i haven't blogged in forever.
i just don't feel like it </3

trying my best but not doing good enough

I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL,WAKING UP EARLY,PEOPLE EVERYTHING
i just give up.

Hanging till we old and grey like grandpa.muthafucking HOMIES

so  this blog isn't about me.

its about best friends or HOMIES

so like i  realized i have  like the best friend anyone could have

brooklyn jean kouba.

SO today and yesterday was so much fun.

besides a little bit of drama.

me and brooklyn have been laughing our asses off.

watch makes me really excited for the weekend.

i usually think i m the fat girl i cant have like normal friendships 

but brooklyn makes me feel like it doesn't matter about what i look like or have in life we are still bestfriends!

we had a giant sing along today lol we are so cool

yeah but this is all i wanted to say is that im  happy that i  have brooklyn has a friend or homie

better yet shes like fucking family :)

im glad i can be my self and that she still loves me  i need people like that,

not saying that i dont have other friends like that.

because i do.

but i just have fun times with brooky !

lol :)

im rolling sweets,smoking sours

FML
im super sick
so that means no school
and a ton of catch up work :(
im losing every thing
im so upset.
im ugly has fuck.
never been kissed, never been liked,
never been called pretty
just made fun of.
im to fat
im to ugly
im nothing special
not even close to perfect.
i wish i could see my friends
i wish i was happy
i always thought
when i was 8,9
i get to high school id be pretty
id be popular
all my other friends would be jealous
nope im the ugly duckling has my best friends
get prettier
and more people like them
its a big deal to me
fml
im not worth anyone's trouble
im dirt
dirt is actually
better then me
it can grow weed and pretty flowers
i hate myself more and more
no one cares thow
so im done here.
im done with everything
im on the edge and im so close to jumping.

im soo sorry.

i need to learn how to SHUTTHEFUCKUP!
i mean i am really sorrry i really didnt mean to blurt it out but i didnt know it was a secert.
and i didnt know she was standing right there and would tell her.
i didnt know it was wrong
i was just talking about the subject in genreal with your best friend
i didnt mean to hurt you or anyone else
IM SO SORRY
please forgive me,
i miss you so much as it is.
i dont want to lose you.

Letting go,

when i was 8 i never thought  we wouldnt be friends.  i told everyone me and (not saying name )--- are gonna go to collage together be best friends in highschool.

dude we have let go of our friendship. 

but now that i think about it i missyou sorta sometimes.

but on a other hand i dont see us being able to be friends again we have diffrent personailtys. and when we were friends? we always had drama

but i want to make peace with you

(even thow you dont read this)

i hope we can casually be friends again and i do wish you the best 

and im sorry we couldn't be friends and maybe blocking me on facebook is a nice suddle hint of our ending friendship  because if you would of inboxed me i prolly would of blew up.

and tryed to save somthing that was to far gone to save. but u can like unblock me now?

lol nah its whatever. 

have a great life :)

im also letting go of the fact of being kinda ushmae dthat my two best friends are 13.

ohwell there like 9 months younger then me big woop.

it just sucks i dont have school with them love yah brooklyn and helen (maya!kaylah!).

letting go 

of him?

i guess has happend i miss him and the funnest fucking memoires ever!

but i havnt seen him in a week, bleh not having classes with your  best friends? SUCK.

and now you

letting go of you.

i see it happening if it isnt already. we have no classes together and you never relly on the bus.

theres better friends out there for you than can make you happy.im not really good at that

i hope we can stay friends.

because trying to accept the fact that us has bestfriend isnt gonna last forever kills

me but i guess,

letting go of you might be the best thing for you.

no ever said change was easy.

but no one ever said it was hard.

ill give you my heart on a string

i feel so low. why cant i be high

i feel kinda out of it

i feel like my flirting is failing watch brings me back

to nikkole your ugly has fuck and fat 

thats all i think about my self

theres no awesome personality wtf is everyone saying

im lamee

im a loser

to be honest my parnets keep making me think my friend use me

watch kinda upsets me

i mean if i ask them there like wtf no

but it keeps creeping in my mind

am i just a friend ppl use?

ftw fml

im in a really sad mood

because i feel useless

and ugly and stupied

and gross

im really unhappy

and i want t no whats wrong with me i see ugly skinny girls get hit on o\all the time

and i see semi fat pretty girls get hit on to

wtf is wrong with me

why does no one  like me

i hate my self

DEAR GOD,

can i please be somebody else?

when i feel this low i usely cry and cut

but i havnt done that in like 7 months yay me.

poemish thing:

with its sharp edges and its shiny glisten 

it waits for me

to tell it my problems

with every drip of blood.

get over yourself or hop on the pity train

everyone

has their sad moments

their i hate my life moments

but ive been living those moments since 

i was born.

its never been good

im jsut used to

it and i know how to get what i want when i want the real reason im such a brat

i want to fit in i want to go to school in expensive things so

people think im coola dn can aford things.

truth is im a horrible person i make my family live with out

because i wanted school clothes but knowing my dad

that 600$ would of went to 

somthing diffrent anyways.

not to our bills or food or to anew house

my panrets give me hope then crahs them down

dear you,

you hurt me with what you

said. Because i understand you have it bad you

can talk to me.

i dont think i ahve ur problems.

but i ahve my own gather of them to.

i ahvnt had legeal gas and electricty

in like a year and a half.

i ahvnt internet or cable

in like 8 months

 i jsut got my food stamps back

i hadnt had them fer like 6 months.

my dads lazy

and only cares about his running and his bitching my

DAD never stops yelling or bitching about somthing is fucking 24/7

and i dont relly tell people much anymore because i dont need to complan about me.

but my mom doesnt work she jsut found out her work is mnaking her quit,

and my uncle only has one-two months to live.

i have all this on my shoulders

plus homework

school

being fat and ugly 

being made fun of.
its weighing me down to a breaking point.
and my fuckin dad cheating on my mom it stills gets to me.
and im losing friends.
but i cant talk to them anyway
either there too young and i never see them because of school
or i have no classes with them.
or lunch i cant really explain anyway
or im saying i ahve the same problems or its all about me.
sometimes
im like whatthefuck
living here on earth isnt for me
i sleep constantly,
im  trying to be a better me
but its not working
SO FUCKIT
why should i care
and i miss you bestfriend thow we arnt really that close anymore
thanks for being my friend for awhile thow
it ment more than you know,

everything is wrong

I have a lot on my mind
so many things are going wrong.
i hate my self
I dont know how i have friends
there is nothing great about me
Im annoying
Im ugly
Im fat
Im stupid
Im jealous.
.................
school starts Tuesday
and I know im going to lose friends
im scared to get lost.
to get made fun.
and to trip down the stairs
.......................................
what has happen to me
ive changed to much
im paranoid and worried about everything
im not funny anymore
i cry almost everyday
i wish someone
could make the pain stop.
i wish i had a friend someone to make me feel like everything will be okay
but why bother helping me
i dont deserve it.
im no one special
im nothing
nothing will get better
i want to be someone else
some one funny
someone pretty
someone rich
someone everyone liked
somedays
I JUST looked around
me and think
why am i living?

FML

today has sucked
sorry dad i know its your birthday
and all
but I HATE TODAY
i have no classes with any of my friends
skyline is big and scary
im scared i wont get what i need
for school shoppingg
when i just want to feel pretty enough
someone
give me a sign that everything will be okay
because right now
im scared,angry and sad
but i guess
everyone is living in hell
we got to work through
and put a smile on

WOW

you blocked me?
whatthefuck did i do?
because im friends with cassie?
because im going to skyline?
or what i havnt done nothing wrong to you
and that just really gets to me
im not talking shit
im not all pissy and trying to start shit so
 dont get your friends hating
 me or commenting on my blog
saying shit
i just thought we were friends
but i guess not.

everybody needs a shoulder to cry on.

so im at kaylahs party and i want to cry .
i dont feel pretty i never will
i want to talk to you.
you follow my blog now.
your my bestfriend
and nothing more
but i feel like our friendship is fastly fading
i never talk to you and i feel like you look
down on me
because i do stupied shit like "marshmellows"
but back to me
DAD I HATE YOU
im hiding my anger and my tears about you!
because i AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN AT KAYLAHS PARTY!
but i want to talk to someone and cry but again i want to talk to you
we went from not knowing eatchother to hating eatchother to best friends
to not talking ever.
god my life is a down spiral
FUCKK IT
whatever.

school. school. SCHOOL

i dont want to go to school to high school
i dont want school to start.
im so scared of school.

...

should i stay or go
im confused
i dont know
what i want
anymore.

diarys of the fat girl.

in less your over weight 

you don't know what its like

its a struggle from day to day

i used to be outgoing loving life person who thought she was beautiful no matter who told her no

now i wont talk to people because  i know no one wants to talk to me

i miss out on a lot of fun oppurtuntys because my weight holds me back

being fat is just not fun 

and trying to lose weight is hard 

i used to think id lose all my weight in a mater of three months nope

its gonna take forever because shedding it is hard

but being fat sucks i feel like i cant wear pretty close

i know no one will ask me to homecoming because im not beautiful and skinny

i wont even want to wear a dress because 

i no im just fat

so i prolly wont even go

being fat you have to over think everything

and people love to point it out and make fun of you

because you have all this extra skin and shit 

and its gross

being fat and over weight

is not fun

and it makes me cry alot

i don't like to go out and do things usly because being fat and being in public is hard

because ifeel like everyone is making fun of me

i know my feelings dont matter and im not relly a real person because im fat

i havnt relly even had a first kiss or let alone a guy i can consider my boyfriend

my first kiss was truth or dare. <------doesn't relly count

i hate myself and my life

i want to be someone else

if only i hadn't gained weight

my life would be better its all my fault 

for being fat.
no one needs to feel bad for me i did it to my self and now i have to live with it until i lose it.

yes i have lost 20-30 pounds this summer

but im still fat

dear high school,

im scared of you

im scared to be made fun of

im scared to step foot in your doors

im scared to lose my friends to better people

im scared to not get a boyfriend

im scared not to make friends

im scared to the lonely loser

when i used to have so much friends

im scared of everything about you.

 sincerely, the fat girl 

you are pretty but im not

all my friends
are so beautiful
i hate there PEP talks
because they don't mean anything even my friend who says shes the most ugly
gets hit on all the time
and guys like her
guys like every girl besides
me
im not pretty
i wish i was
i really doo
it hurts to no that im not
i hate when my friends "COMPLAIN" to me how these hot guys add them and they dont no who to talk to more
they tell me about how some hot "scene" guy is talking to them and hes like 17
why cant
i get hot guys
why do i have to be fat
why do i have to worry about being made fun of
some days im like why do i live.
and the only person that made me feel pretty
doesn't even talk to me
why
am i the ugly girl

moving!

yes it is true
im moving
in to more likely a
HOUSE
i have never in my life
lived in a house
and im so excited
but i don't want to move where
i cant go to skyline :P
im sorry
that im moving best friend i love you and i read your blog
and thinks for calling me unique but its not true but i appreciated it

it hurts

im losing friends

everyday

we arnt friends anymore 

it doesn't need to be said

i feel it

i know

i can no longer tell you

everything

i no i can no longer cry to you

i know that when school starts

we wont be hanging out

i know  that in my heart

you have changed 

and i can no longer say

you are my best friend.

and it hurts me

but i just wanted to let you  

im happy your happy

and i hope it stays like this for you forever

i hope

you never lose your new found happiness

because it would just kill

me to see you sad

have a good life

goodbye

sincerely,the lost friend

so im writing a song.

because i think i have talent

PISS ON ANYONE who thinks i don't. its not about you

its about me. im going to be somebody someday

and who ever is saying i cant.

well then i dont need you.

i need me and few select friends who believe in me

cassie behler

helen  brokaw

abbie warburton.

you said im a stranger to you!

ha

i went to your house once a week

for like 2 months

are parents are best friends and ima stranger to you

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!

screw you.

because i don't need people like you anyway.

i ripped out my heart and let you read it like a book you handed back and said i dont care

the blog don't CARE wont care is about you too.
you.
you.
you
you make me angry
i talked to you
and for a second i felt bad about that blog i wrote
because you were being sweet
then you stop
that girl on the fone wasn't your girlfriend
so please stop lieing to me
and everyone around you
who do i like?
 i thought it mite be you
but you changed my mind in a second
why am i mad at you
because your you
you do stupid ass shit
and flip your script so much.
one minute im beautiful
the next you have a girlfriend
you make me want to cry
i don't no my emotions for you anymore.
ill always love you because ive never stopped getting over you is the hard party
because i love two people
his memory is fading fast and im trying to hold on to it has long has i can.
your always there but my memory's with you arnt has pleasant.

living with our headphones up

we got sound and that's enough.
 im in a MOOD.
aghh yeah ill say it i have done illegal shit before.
yeah i have k
got a problem?
anyway
im hot and sweaty and gross feeling because my stupid AF dad wont get air conditioning
summer has gone by so damn fast i hate this
it doesn't feel like damn summer to me
and i hadn't had real fun in a while like i used to have with taking pictures up all night never bored times with friends i miss those damn times.
i feel everyone knows stuff that i don't like idk
i need to clean my room dn lose some more weight
note to self: stop eating so goddamn much
today check list
1.eat small meals 5 of em.
2.clean my room
3.clean my bathroom
4.exceisize
5.shower
6. Americas got talent
if i don't get this shit done and stop procrastination imma
get angry
aghhh im stressed out
and shit so
bye.

dont care wont care

i was going to write a blog about you i decided that last night 

but then i got on the computer put a title up and imedetly  erased it 

why? you wont care you wont even read it and if i said it to your face you wouldn't care then your 

NOT a caring person

you wont care

you act like you care but you don't

i don't want you 

the only reason i think i want you

is because the fact

that you say you want me

people never want i have never met a boy with a crush on me.

people say nicole YOUR GORGEOUS 

then why arnt boys liking me adding me flirting with me dating me

why was my first kiss a i feel sorry for you truth or dare kiss?

i want that happy ending with a good looking caring guy 

he isn't you your

a hope builder

u feed on giving ppl false hope

but then why do you keep haunting my dreams.

i hate it 

i don't hate you

but i hate a lot about you

your no angel the only halo you got came with an XBOX  (chris webby thank you for this quote thingy)

i want someone else.

so please stop saying i got a big booty and shit thanks

BYE!

we say the samethings.

we both want the same things
him
we both want the ending with
him
we both are friends with
him
We both are best friends
I want to be
friends forever
I want him there forever
I want him

You want to be friends forever
You want him forever
You want him

He wants both are friendships
He wants Her
He wants Her more.

Her wants Him
Her wants our Friendship
Her  wants HIM more

Only one of us can have a taylor swift ending
Only if  HIM wants us
Only if dreams came true
</3

i dont think i love you

the other day i was watching the jacyee dugurd <-- cant spell her name and she talked about hoe much she loves her mom and how much she missed her but usually at that part i would cry but i couldn't i kinda felt awkward because i didn't want to cry and hug my mom because im not sure i just got this strange vibe like i don't even love my parents i mean i have to how could i not love my parents there pretty cool. but this thought keeps creeping up in the back of my head "do you even love them" i don't no what to do. and my mom is gone for this whole week and im not even bothering to call her because i don't miss her... WHATS GOING ON i mean shes my mom i love her i have too there is no reason not to i feel guilty because i don't no if i love my own mother and father.
...i need help

bad mood

im ina bad mood today
and i have no cluee why
well im in a bad mood because
like i was supost to go somewhere this weekend and i was really excited.
then ym parnets told me i had to telll her noo because my room still looks trashy and my grandma is like aperntly dying right in front of me and i dont even relly talk to her so i guess im supost to go see her.
....watch isnt good i relly wanted to go thow i relly did im so sad i cant.
its like everytime i want to go somethings in my way </3 stupied stupied stupied

imiisyou

we were like bestfriends
but i feel like i dont no you anymore
im actully scared to talk to you
i dont no why you dont seem like a bad person
you just have changed
im not saying for like the bad
but diffrent
but i really missyou
how we talked everyday on fb
or you came to my house
lieke veryday after school
goin to your party
your ridcuousls
in the good way
i really missyou so muchh
your so pretty too.
but i feel like this friendship is turning to a hi every once in awhile and i dont like it
i want to be best friends again
..i dont no what to say :(

dreams.

the truth is
if i could sleep all day i would
because i love dreaming'its like
a sicknesss
i love it
its my drug i like
to listen to my ipod and just day dream
for hours.
but last night my dream was soo weird
lol
im not gonna share  it sorry.
itss to complicated

following your dreams!
so at warped tour
dohvie from
botdf
said somthing that really hit
me
he said
follow your dreams i promise they will happen if you follow them be your self
trying is aceptable giving up or not trying is  not aceptble
watch really wants to make me lose weight
if i want it bad enough only i can try and change it
so i will
thank you dohvie
your like my hero sometimes you really inspire me
and jay von monroe your so freaking sexy,cute,amazing :D

twisted up!

^that title up there^ i have no clue why its the title
anyway how has my life been latly?
FUCKING AMAZING
yes i said it AMAZING
AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING AMZING
i have lsot weight like 20 pounds!
why am i happy for like 20 pounds its not much i no i still look pretty fat
but i ahvent really been working hard
at all
like i still eat junk food alot
specailly blazed..
but i guess jsut trying to be way more active i walk a lot insted of car or sitting at home
and i jsut try to eat in modreation.
eat less
and be more active
but i relly havnt been eating healthy at all.
or excersizing but its been working for liek the last month
i got like 2 more months of summer
and imam go HARD.
by excersizing aLOT
i mean ALOT.
and eating very healthy and ill see if i can lose a LOT MORE.
like ALOTMORE.
and be skiiny by the time school starts.
but losign weight
makes my perspective om life so muhc better
like im confident with guys more now.
i love guys I AM BOY CRAZY
and i feel like i ahve more of a chance
and im more confident in my self
im not a failure at all.
im trying
so hard for the rest of the summer.  to lose this weight wish me luck guys <3 <3
so maybe twisted up is a good thing maybe i was down but now my mood is twisting up?
hahah maybee
bye!

warpedtour

best thing in my life
it was great
awesome
auhmazzing
it left this feeling of hope and happyness
imet a gay guy jayme and he gave me his name and stuff and told me to add him on fb but but it washed off my arm and i forgot his full facebook name :(
but it was cool
i met simple plan everyavunee the lead singer of the suit and the gutariest of solongarletta
i was front row for bloodonthedance floor and i got to touch dovie and jay!
then front row fer stephe jerzak<3 <3 <3 <3
i saw the readyset and almost got the drum stick tila bitch grabed it from me.
and i thought iw as gonan die in a  mosh pit wathc made abby shoeless.
yeah i wuld write about everything else super cool.
but i bragged enough

im selfish

im so selfish i put my emotions before yours
if your happy then i am too
just having you in my life is ok with me
...........ok im lying
but your happy so there for so am i
i rather have you happy then dead.
but i think your lying .
its not true

HEY if your reading this

k so i know my blog isnt that cool nothing really reading worthy about
it
but
today when i logged off i ahd 356 views then when i got back on 372 views
so PEOPLE MUST BE READING IT RIGHT?
so yeah ppl reading THANKYOU SO MUCH
i mean its only like 3 ppl i think but still im not good at math grammar and all that stuff
BUT THANK YOU THANK YOU
YOUR THE BEST
but now i must ask a favor
please leave comments if you read them id love to know whos reading it
and
tell your friends lets get more readers
I know
its really nothing to benafit the readers all 3 pp XD
but please?
i would say somthing cheesy like together we can uprise aginst bullying (if i could i would)
or we all can not be fat
together (not calling my readers fat lol)
but anyway i like when ppl read my stuff
i lost my point
strangers please read this cuz i like strange ppl  yeah~

I CAN barley hide this EXCITMENT

SO last year i went to a paramore concert and i over did i posted excatly like 15 status about it in 2 days and got all MY friends pissed at me for braging but hey it was my first concert!
but i really want someone this year to be happy for me going to WARPED TOUR. but i hanvt relyl told ppl in stuff cuz i dont want to be all bragy bitchy but i no some of my friends (not talking to you leah) have read my blog wathc mentions warped tour and havnt even asked me about i mean come on everyone knows im dying to explode about but i have benn keeping it cool havnt told anyone anything really.
but im begging some one to ask me oh ur going out of town 2morrow why?
so i can be all like BITCHES I AM GOING TO WARPED TOUR SUCK ITT.<---with out the bitches and suck it part that would be rude.
but any way with abby cuz she invited me in indian and were staying at a hotel and im going to get a shirt and get to see some of my favriote bands like LIKE blood on the dance floor a day to rember THE READY SET stephen jerzakk simple plan and a shit load more of my favorites. and i really want to tell everyone that i see because im so excited.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i just got to brag to my blog yay!
anyway theres a cool person out there named............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
.......................
LEAH FREAKING AMAZING BITCHES hEsS
she is an awesome person and shes a lesbian wathc makes her cooler cuz shes not afraid to be herself
no serously shes pimpin. like foreal.
like she says shes mean!
but shes not shes the real deal
liek i have never met anyone who doesnt like her even popular kids like her
she should be a super hero
i see it now
her long blonde hair
flwoing in the wind and wearing a purple spandex cosutme with two LL on it standing for leah the lesbian
and a rainbow cape the says onloy awesome ppl wear rainbow capes on it because shes super cool
she make sme laugh so hard and she makes me feel cool when i hangout with herr.
so YEAH thats all i ahve to say righ tnow about how cool she is because i dont want to give her a big ego like helen.hahah <--helen would laugh
but anyway i have to pakc and shower and all that shit for tmmrw
CUZ WARPED TOUR BITCHES
again with out the bitches cuz thats jsut rude
XD
XD/...............btw srry for misspellings leah (im being so creppy in this blog
oh and btw when im thinkign to my self who can i be my complte self around with out being judged leah pops in my head because shes nice. and is cool
and i dont have to hide my personnality from her
heres a picture of leah

Ive known you for awhile.

your cute.
we have history
i want to talk to you
i miss you
you haunt my dreams& my thoughts
you where a sweet heart
but your ugly side showed everyone has forgot you
but I cant help but rember you
your blue eyes that sparkle
your tiny hugs that cuddle
your everything
NO i dont like you
i dont even no you anymore
i wish  i did know you
but i dont
i dont know anything about you any more
its been two years
and nothing
you wont respond to my facebook chat but
its ok
i am over
you
but it would
be nice to be friends with you
but i guess its ok
that were not
have a good life

the good and the bad

I edited MY  blog! and im really happy with the new name and everything!
kay. anyway i always look at the bad in my life. My life may have its issues but it has its good times too.
so this is a hapy blog of all the things i love most in my life!
the moments i cherish and stuff.
1. FRIENDS (this is a little shout out sorry if i forgot you.)
CASSIE BESTPERSONEVER BEHLER. ILOVEYOU k honestly its true you are the most amazing person ever! and i have to say im addicted to your blog! i love it idk why but i like how real you are in it.
anway, yeah your supper cool and thankyou THANKYOU for being there you mean the world to me.
JACKSON AWESOMEKID SIMS-MEYER k well iloveyou your my bestfriend you are prolly equal to cassie. cassie could be a little more awesome thow srry. <---shes been my best friend since like 5th grade. anyway i love how comfterble we are around eatch other i love having a guy best friend like you! the day i  cherish the most downtown with jenni day and that like 6 hour skype day that ended in tears. but i prolly will never tell you why i was crying. sorry. any way your auhmazzing! i love your hugs btw you wear really big shirts. your to skinny for them get smaller shirts please?
ABBY k gurll i love you  we wernt very close til i had a breakdown at school and told you like everything in my life. and now where like bestfriends and  you made my dream come true cuz your taking me too warped tour yay!<---thats a good thing in my life.
HELEN<---cool kid your my close friend we have wacked out moments but a moment with you is never bad like goign swimign when its frezzing out side at like midnight, walking to meijer, dying your hair and all that other things we do. YOUR CRAZY. like physco. but its k cuz i <3 you.
SONYA-your super cool and funny and i love you
COUC--YOUR crazy hyper but your alot of fun to hangout with.
^^^those ppl are my closest bestest friends srry if your not on her i still love you
2.family.
THOMAS-your so awesomeeee your the bestest brother ever
i mean like ever! we are really close and im happy because your awesome yeah mayn i love hanginout with you and my friends. your cool. kepp it pimpin
DAD-you give me what i want if i beg so yeah!
mom- your easy to talk to
3.DOGS
i have really cute dogs :D
yeah i no longer feel like writing this.
bye

yeah another updatee!

so im going to like copy cassie in away with out her permession. but i dont think she cares in less she does so cassie I LOVEEEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

summer has been fun.
ive done alot of things.
but there were alot of things i wish i had said to ppl that i didnt so im going to wrtie them hear in letters. but i relly dont want ppl to find out who they are.
so yeah .

dear person number one,
sometimes i dont like you
your kinda a backstabber.
but your cool at the same times.

dear person two,
i LOVE YOU
no really i do im always thinkign you dont like me
but your my bestfriend and yeah btw this letter is for BAGELL.
yeahhh we have the best times ever togetherr your so auhmazzing,
we arwe waytoo closee inthe good way yeah you make me laugh so hard and we have great convos early in the morning yeah mayn.

dear person3,
we got close this year.
and we have actully  hang out alot this summer so far your funy and cool.

dear person4,
your cool and all but i have a big issue with you
i mean its not far for me too have this issue with you because you prolly do relly like.(not trying to give ppl away so i wont finsh this sentence) but anway your pretty and funny thow i have met you only a few times we should hangout more as loong has you dont talka bout yeah.

dear person5,
your one of the best ppl ever
i would of forgot you even you hadnt just comment on my wall post but yeah i love you.
your a little to boyfriend crazy. but ill get over that i give you permission to be crazy because you have a great boyfriend. and im so happy foryou.
and im so happy my brother and your sister met!
dear person6,
you truly are my hero
and i lvoe hangingout with you
i just feel like you dont like hanging with me
or i ahve to have somnthing to chill with you but anyway im happy how clsoe we are
dear person 7,
were should i start?
your crazy. but i am crazy too.
i think about you constantly
you really are so clueless how much you mean to me and im happy for you
thow this happyness is surely envy.
i mean id die for you i truly would
i jsut wish you new how much i really did care and how i actully feel but you prolly
would never understand and it would ruin everything
so ill jsut contue to cry at night and put on a happy face
imissyou. and i can never lose you.
but i really hope you get over it FAST. and find me when you do
because ill always be waiting.
yeah i sound prolly creppy in this kinda physco but i cant help true emotions.
bestfriend iloveyou
dear person 8,
YOUR MY VERY BEST FRIEND
but i hate how beatiful you are
and how much ppl like you.
because they dont like me nearly has much.
i dont want to lose you ever
but one day im scared i will.
butanway on a happy note your freak awesome and i lvoe you tons and tons.
dear person9,
i really want to be freinds with you and your bestfriend because you guys are so cool
but im two weird
dear person 10,
YOU PLAYED ME but thats ok because i was using you
yeah your cute
and yeah you made me feel specail
but no i truely could of not liked you because i was alrady in love with someone else
you just made me feel specail and you took my mind of of the other person
and why i was cought up with you i slowly last that person and when i snapped back it was already to late but
yes i did cry over you
and i did stalk your facebook
and i did bahs you to my friends
but your a jerk
with a cuteness to you
but what ever your thrown away now
have fun with her.
dear person 11,
your two amazing
and i feel awesome hanging out with you
i hope this friendship contunes because your funny and fun!

well yeah thats it actully theres a ton more ppl i want to write two but fer now this is good enough.

nothing exciting just an update.

soooo.
i dont relly blog much anymore because i dont have internet well besides on my brothers computer but anyway
I regert the blogs i wrote in the past even thow i feel that way alot of the time doesnt mean its true. i have good friends actully GREAT FRIENDS. they dont care what size i am only i do and yes im trying to change my size and i refuse to fail i bet a lot of ppl out their want me to fail and they will try there hardest to hurt me and that made me realize somthing.
PEOPLE at my school or in genreal just around the world now im not saying everyone is like this but people just seem like they will go out of their ways to be mean to me (not jsut me everyone)
i cant spell (its not true i can spell its just im to lazy to take my time with blogs and facebook to make things perfecrt) or im too  loud , my nose is weird im to FAT. im anoying. im "emo" im this im that.
come on get over yourself. yeah i know im not a size two. i know that i culd be more quiet i no my nose is big  i no i tend to talk to much emo is emotinal guys seroiusly every girl is emo on their period. but SO WHAT. i am me and i owuld be lying if i said i dont care what you say about me .because i do or i wouldnt get so cought up with it. truth is yes being made fun of and talk behind your back and such it hurts its mean. and it makes me so insecure but no what forget you if you dont like anything about me then ignore me  i have people that love and like me for who i am. but then <-------- that whole little speech thing made me realize NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME. im so cought up on peoples opinons that i think everyone stares at me and everyone is judging em news flash nicole <--- im talking to my self im not weird. any way not everytihng about you the world doesnt revolve around you. i really dont know what to do in these messy feelings. besides try to change the things i dont like about my self like my size but i refuse to try to change the things the world doesnt like about me. i like my anoyingness and my loudness and so do my friends the people i do care about. THIS BLOG IS LONG. but i have  alot more thins to write about . im gonna write another blog k <--note to nicole: please try to spell more things write by slwoing down on my thoughts,

beautiful on the inside other words ugly on the out.

shes nice, shes funny,shes loud,shes crazy,shes a leader.

she has an attuide problem, shes stupied, she drowns out other voices, she does drugs, shes a wanabee

she wants to be difrrent. shes a failure will never get far in life shes insecure that will never change 

she crys for help but is ignored.

she may be beautiful ont he inside but never on the out.

her pain depends her. 

she has hate carved into her skin

she will never be perfect.

she lives in the shadow of her beautiful bestfriend

she lives in her own personal hell called home

she is poor

she makes up lies to hide her hiden truth.

why cant she be someone diffrent.

she just wishes she was happy 

thow she is sad.

she wants to be pretty.

but she is mad

why everyone is glad

she just doesnt know what to do with herself anymore

why should she stay dad?

love is never given and your the man.

who raised her

but tells her she is worthless

when your mad

you tell her she should be diffrent

you tell her to starve herself to be perfect so she does

one day it will be to late

and you will propbley be glad.

this is just random

so im on google translate so i really jsut wanted to type things in diffrent langues
大好きです。生活。地球:)
幸せは至福である
希望
then i wanted to see would happen with names<----text is bigger
SO MY FRIENDS NAMES I WRITE IN JAPENSEE YOU SOULD FEEL SPEICAL:d
ジェニー<--- i dont think this is right but smileyfacee
キンゴウカン
サム
heheheheeh
well im bored now.
byeeee

a lot of my thoughts today

i write a lot of sad blogs because i am sad.
one thing i hate about myself is i get close to ppl and then push them away no one really understands its something wrong with me. i get this uneasy uncomfterble feeling when i get clsoe to pp l ecspecaily guys and i cant stand it, and i push the person away i hate it its a weird feeling and i have lost a lot of ppl becasue of it
i make excuses not to talk to the person and avod them but this is ahppening to me again and i dont no why. i dotn want to lose this person . but my outofcontrolness makes me lose ppl im a pusher i push people away. and i dont want to do it this time so im facing this promblem of mine so i dont lose this person.
 i just dont no how to shake this miserble feeling.
but i am going to. i hopee.
but anyway
--- i was reading sixbillion secerts. today and it was sad. but i can realate with a lot of these secerts.
i cryed yesterday and i wish that i didnt. it made things ackward.
but it made me realize i culd never lose helen she makes me feel somuch better because she is such a happy person. then she said somthing sad people can never make sad people happy and thats why she can make me happy
but i make sad peoepl happy all the time im nicee and i guess i cheer alot of peopel up ppl come to me with there problems and trust me but im a sad person and i make people happy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
i  have a friend im serously jelous of shes really pretty and friend with everyone. she also gets the guys.
i wish i culd be like her i admire her her so muchh she is great to talk to and really nice.EXTERMLY FUNNY . i never really blog about her s shes one of my best friends.so i bloged about you and I LOvE YOU HADIYA..
------------------------------ my thoughts for now
--nikoleee

i wish

i wish
i wish i was skinny
i wish my eyes where pretty
i wish i ahd pretty hair
i wish i had a cute nose
i wish that i felt prety
i wish that you felt the same way
i wish that i culd cry.
i wish that i culd be happy
i wish for you to always be in my life.
i wish to never lose you
i wish to be rich
i wish to be loved
i wish u called me pretty with out me asking you
i wish that i was the type of girl who got guys
i wish you would open up to me
i wish that you where happy
i wish youd stop.
i wish for alot
but i wish for you to have a good life and to alwasy be happy i want more for you than my self
i wish that ever wish you made came true.
i wish that 2012 doesnt happen because loseing you wouldb e terrible
i wish that life was easy.

lately

so i have had low selfesteem and i just relly like truely hate myself. im super fat with a big nose and ugly hair ir elly jsut hate looking at myself especaily when im with really pretty friends like helen and jenni because it jsut makes me feel all even more ugly... like sometimes i jsut wish i was 80 pounds and pretty but im not my lowself esteem sometimes makes it not easy to be happy and feel comfterble around ppl. i do self medicate alot and do some things i shuldnt butt i cant help it.i just  rember when i was a little kid and like no one cared wat i looked like but now everyone does and ppl can be really fucking mean i jsut wish i was lvoed and my dad didnt hate me i wish i was rich i wish i was pretty i jsut wish iw as lvoed. i honestly hate mysefl adn wish i was diffrent.  so lately  i feel this way and i wish i was diffrent but im not ...:( i get jelous easy also watch i hate. so grrrrr skype is fun so yeah... bleh
------nikkole

ughh

so i hate how i miss spell everything!!!
and i relly need to open up sometime soon or ill explodee.
anyway my next blogg below.
is hard  to read so highlight it easyer. sorry for mis spellings :D

sterotypical shit.

so this has relly been on my mind im sick of people saying oh your a poser because ur trying to beens scene and copy people whatthefuck what happend to doing what you want screw other peopel wat happend to personal style.  im sikc of people telling people the if you tease your hair your scene and now you have to were tight jeans and babnd tees and listen to breath carolina. i mena honestly teasing hair is a hair style and breath carloina is musicc and skinny jeans are clothes i mean let me explian this i AM nikkole. and im unique me jsut becasue some days i want to tease my hair and war and band tee and other days i want to curl my hair and wear a flower dress doesnt mean im posing and im a prep i mean i can get ten million pirceings 6 tattos and tease my hair and lsiten to taylor swift,. it shuldnt matter. or is i want to wear and mini skirt and a houilster top but lsiten to bring me the hrozion i shuld be aloud to and express my self with out ppl being all like poserrrrrrrr. andand scen kid or prep i am nikkole and yes i lvoe the "scene look" but some days i like the "prep" look and even the crazy colorful look theres diffrent styles music and personnailtys and just because ppl tell you if ur :scene: to go lsiten to scermo and be all werid. doesnt mena you ahve to. i no im guilty of useing stero types.  and calling ppl posers but i ahve realized theres no relly such thing as a pose ri mean there is. but i feel we alluse the word wrong.. models are poserrss they pose for pictures.  well i hope i got that acroos im not scene,prep,emo,nerd, or any of that sterotypical shit i am nikkole and i love scermo,country,rap,pop  i cant stan blues,jazz and clasical music.  i lvoe to tease my hair or curel it (weven thow my hair is natrualy curly) or were it in apony tail some time i feel like skirts and natral makeup sometimes i feel like band teessa nd eyeliner to  my nose. soemtiems i feel like sweat pants and no make but thats me where all  wat teenagers. we stillt rying to figure otu we we are so of cousre were gonan experment with difrrent styles music make up and people and we shuldnt be called psoers for trying to have fun and seeing wat you like . so from now on no one is no longer scene or prep or a psoer or not or a copyer to me we are all people and u r ur self and also jsut because ppl want to try teasign there hair doesnt mean there copying and stuff or try new styles so i wish everyone wuld stop  being all like stop copying this person and shit cuzcuz ppl were teasing there hair in the 80s we all copy or get ideas from other peopel or genrations its called stylee. so yeah :D

unnoticed.&&&bleh.

well my spelling and shit is not the best. im trying to work on it but i feel soo unnoticed right now i mean im starting to friend alot of new ppl :D  and i feel good about it but it agervates me no one besides like CASSIE<33 reads this blog. so why am i writing because i want to believe that people read it.
but let me tell you why im even writing this because cassie i was stalking her blog and she gets like 100 blog fews i have  like 9. amd the bleh part. is I HATE MYSELF. all my friends are getting in to sitemodeling and they should their all so pretty but i feel like that fat girl jsut sittign there on the side i add the sitemodeling ppl because i want to suport my sitemodel friends but i relly hate my self im so fucking fat when ppl mention fat things or weight or start talking about big things i shutup because i dont want to be called fat. i feel soo low and unconfident around guys my bestfriends im honestly soo jelous of them there so pretty and everyone likes them but i ahte being around hot guys because i no they dont want to talk to me they want to talk to my gorguss skinny tight close wearing flirtaous friends and i should just shutuip and sit in the conrner so i kinda drive guys away buy being werid honestly i ahte that im soow eird my friends think im hilours. and stuff but ims oo weird . ii hate my laugh i sound like a fucking metal seal. i havd adhd and i relly want to get medicated so im not so hyper and anoying all the time. i want to pretty like the girls on tv like my best friends like the popular girls  i want to be stick skinny but not have to exercsize or eat healthy like all my stick skinny friends i want to look pretty with my hair ina poney tail and nop makeup like ym freinds do i want to wear skinyn jeans and all that shit. i want look in the mirror and not see ugly me staring back at me. it seems so easy forn everyone else why cant it be for me.  i wish i was soo pretty. i mean even so of my bigger friends are gorguss. but im still so fat and ugly. why am i like this. and how come their not. how come i never get what i want and they do. how come my nose is soo big . i ahte when my brother makes comemnts about me "joking around" like "nikoole get your fat legs off the couch or nicole you chunk get out the way" those hurt me soo badly i HATE MYSELF SOOMUCH. i want cant i be like everyone else. i hate going to school because im soo selfconuois and i no what you gys are thinking jsut stop eating so much excersize its your falt your so fat. or even worse your not fat nikkole your soo pretty and beautiful i mean seroiusly guys please stop lieing to me . it doesnt make me feel better it makes me feel like great even my friend have to lie to me..smd i relly do try hard to lose weight i relly do but temptaion is such a BITCHH. and when i ahve sleepover with those all so gorguss friends and i see them eating pizza and drinking pop  and scafing down french fries wat am i supost to do. jsut sit there.  wow i jaut spilled my heart out to this blog wathc wasnt a good idea becaus eiu want ppl to read this but i dont want ppl to make fun of me because of this. or it to start drama these are me feelings. and i honestly feel this way . GOD. grr. im done writing . k bye. 

well i havnt post a blog in ten million years.

well blogs seem so like from over the summer because i ahvnt posted one since like october.i have alot of stuff to say. alot of new things have benn happening. but why shuld i even write them downn no one even reads them but for those like 3 ppl  who do.
well i start by months.
ima start in december
december-that month was a good month i got lots of cool stuff like a 50 buck makeup kit for chrismas but my wintyer break SUCKEDDDD. because i did nothing. but that month i met a friend that id later hate.
januray-i had a kick ass new years eve party.what had started has shirley temples and crazy dance moves and spiraled into staying up til 5 in the morning piercings shit i pierced 3 cartliges and 5 ear holes that night. wait 6. that was the beging to a all new piercings obession. later that month i pierced a nose.6 more carliges and found a 3 new best friends. sabrina.heylee and jasmine. and then i started doing somthing id never regert. also the piercings turned into a group called the CC.
faburary-moms bday month. also that friend i met in december got super clsoe to the family she turned into wat seemed like my brothers dream girl they spend 24/7 together. i also got a cellphone in this month . and that thing id never regert. i stil do it in this month too. also jenni and cassie stopped being friends. wathc was awesome becaus enow me and cassie are like bestbest friends. also i pireced helens belly buttion and everyone wants piercings from me i pierced maya nose brooklyn helen me and maya are the CC. carlage crew. peopel always hate on us. but i relyl dont give a fuck there my best friends besides cassie. \
march-the month that we are in now i found out i have a new best friend and where getting really close. my brother bday is monday and that friend from december hurt my brother badly. THAT SKANK i mean i dotn relly mean shes a skank im jsut mad at her for hurting my brother. cellphones shut off. and sabrina is moving. i got closer to these "popular" girls at my school lilly and sarah and were gobnna have a sleepover soon and i fell relyl ahppy ive relized i relly am friends with everyone besides the jerk boys, that thing i doptn regert i do it every weekend AND I LOVE IT.. b ut latly ive been getting relly down on my self i look at my gorguss friend kasey and ghelen maya brooklyn cassie and i jsut see fat ugly nasty me in the mirror i wish i was beautiful as the rest opf those girls but im not. i guess i just have a good personality.
for the future i hope to get skinny and pretty and to get my hair done and my monore pirced. and to contuie piricng ppl because i lvoe it but ive relly got to start going to school ive missed 32 days of school this year. and the school is on my ass. well yeah
bye.-nikkole